Praise Report

Praise God for miracles!

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So, I am putting this in the praise report thread because I am trying really to cling to hope here. It is really a prayer request, but... I have set out to type it out a couple times over the last couple days, but am just getting to it now. It is kind of a journaling exercise, so sorry it is so long! But, it kind of helps me to get thoughts out in an ordered fashion if I know there is a specific audience. My actual journal is a wandering nightmare. I barely can decipher it when going back. So, anyway, thanks for being the audience, whether you read on or not!! You all are kind of like the doll and stuffed animals at my tea party!

I have been pretty open lately about my funk and my feelings of hopelessness about my place in life and how it isn't what I ever expected it to be. It has been a really rough patch for me, and a lot of it has to do with having my grandma move in...and that was before the drinking ensued. In many ways, I think it has just been typical transition through this change in my life. But, I think there was more to it too. I think some of my really deep-ceded issues have been coming to the surface and having to face my family of origin and all of our foibles head-on has made them all the more obvious to me.

It has all been really difficult, and overwhelming, and for almost 2 months, I have been letting it get me down. Really down. And the fact that it has been getting me down has really annoyed me. I have felt so selfish and ridiculous.

But, the Lord is merciful. And in this time, he has also been dropping hints and leaving small messages and whispering truths. And they're finally all adding up to carry me through this time of struggle in my life.

A friend told me a story of a man who for years has been doing work in a number of ministries. Among them, One ministry has been in Haiti and separately, another has been with political leaders here in the US. Over the years, he has regularly questioned why he is involved in Haiti...it has been discouraging work. Well, when the earthquake happened, his contacts in Haiti finally got through to him to let him know everyone was okay, and also mentioned that they had supplies coming into the airport that they could not get to because of the roads, etc. So, this man made a call to one of his political contacts here in the US and was able to get the supplies FLOWN to his Haitian friends within hours. He felt very strongly that all the trying years of his work with the organization in Haiti was about that one moment. That one connection between contacts. That one way to express God's love in this world.

That story got caught up in the strings of my heart as it flowed through. I kept thinking on it and being amazed by the concept. And then, it kind of clicked as my grandma was so forcefully pushing me away and showing me how so very deeply her wounds reach. I can hope in this situation that, Christ can shine through me into her life. I can believe that through me, God will reach into her life and show her that she is loved and lovely, of value and valued. And despite being disappointed about how my life has turned out, I can believe that God has brought me to this moment for that specific purpose. Whether she sees and believes or not, I am confident that I am called to show her more love. Well, to love her period. Due to a lot of the familial issues (and addiction issues), I don't think I have ever actually loved my grandma. She doesn't allow for it. Her wounds and coping mechanisms make it impossible to get close to her and she strips the ability to love her from all of those close to her. I have always felt obligated to her, and a sense of respect because she is an elder, but I haven't ever loved or truly respected her. So, I feel compelled to seek Christ in this venture...how can I truly love this woman who has always been in my life?

Tonight, I have really been thinking about how difficult this time in my life has been and and also how, it is through the most difficult, most desperate times that Christ shines more brightly through me and to me. It goes against our culture to find our failures to be our brightest moments, but in Christ, they are. Because in our failures, his mercy, peace, and grace are all the more evident. It kind of hit me in the example of my students. If they were all perfect, there would be no need for me as a teacher. So many times, the ones with the most difficulties (in learning and in behavior) are the most irritating and difficult to handle. But, they are also the cases where my abilities as a teacher can make the most difference, should I choose to actually apply those abilities. Sadly, it isn't a choice I make 100% of the time.

But, anyway, I believe with my all, that the point of this life is to open ourselves to whatever extent possible to allow Christ to shine through us. And, it is in our weaknesses that He shines through the most. It is in those times that he teaches us the best, because in those times, we are in need and able to receive it. So, I am sick of begrudging Him the good times in life where I get everything I want and I am able to sit apathetically in my contentedness. I want desperately to see my weaknesses as they are, and to allow him to shine through even brighter.

And right now, the glaringly obvious weakness is my ability to accept love from Him and from others. I am realizing that it is really, really difficult for me to believe that people love me and to allow them to show me love in many ways. So, then, how, if I cannot accept love, can I show it to others like my students or my grandma or my friends and family? It kind of affects everything. I regularly feel the shutter of my soul snapping shut during uncomfortable exchanges with other people and I know it has an impact on how I treat people too.

I don't think I am unique in this issue, I think it is part of the human condition. I don't think I am capable of 'perfecting' this issue either. (Which, let me tell you, is a huge breakthrough! The belief is there, even though I keep trying to take on the task of perfecting myself.) At the core of it, I don't think of myself as worth love. I fear that, if people (and God) actually see what is in me that they will be justified in rejecting me. Well, not just justified, but will be obligated to do so.

This fear is a very dark place. But, like Sara Groves says, "From this one place I can't see very far. In this one moment, I am square in the dark. These are the things I will trust in my heart: You can see something else, something else." I am hoping, I am trusting, I am believing that even though I am in the dark about who I am and I fear the absolute worst about what I have become, the Lord Almighty, Creator of the World, can see something else, something beautiful, something of worth, something beautiful, something like Christ. I am clinging to that hope. I don't think I can express that strong enough. I think my whole walk of faith is balancing on this hope--that God in all his glory can love me whether I think I am lovable or not.

So, the prayer. Sheesh. I long to love my grandma through this season of her life, which I believe is the last season. I also want to be transformed in ways minuscule and mighty that I may see my weaknesses as my greatest assets because they are just as much Christ-moments as the successes are. And I want to come to know love from God and others in a more complete way. But, above and beyond all of that, I want to be reminded that even in the deepest, darkest places of life, God sees something other than what I see when he looks at me.

wow, you packed a lot in there! Thanks for sharing, I find it an honor when we share like this....like opening up your journal to all of us.

I don't have a lot of words....I think God has really given you a lot of His words, and who can top that?

I will continue to pray for you and your grandma, that you will both sense God's deep love for you....and that your grandma will be healed, and that God will continue to show you His great love for you, and that you will know that other people have great love for you.

Thanks, Angie!

Wow Mel, thanks for sharing!
I am constantly humbled by the way God connects all things and uses them for His good and like you I have quite often felt lost in the middle, when the beginning point (like your friends seemingly seperate ministries, one being very disappointing and hard)is long in the past and the resolution (the connections with the political aiding in a moment of great great need the ministry in Haiti) seems like it will never ever come.
It's so hard for me to keep the faith. I project so much on God the fear of Him abandoning me and finding me just a waste of his time based on wounds that He didn't inflict.
It's when I have to remind myself that I believe. That God has proven himself faithful and gracious time and time again (for thousands of years and even in the short time I've been hanging out with Him)
It's when I have to remember that I believe in a mighty God even when it's not all sunshine and rainbows out of a unicorns mouth.

I'm glad you're being reminded of that through this middle time.

Well, I guess partly for me, I am coming to realize that this could very well be "the moment" or one of "the moments" and not a middle time like I have been so frustrated believing I was in. Maybe this thing with my grandma is a point of ministry God has been preparing me for.

Another thing I am trying to come to grips with is that I very well might have good plans for my life and what I feel I should be doing, but those good plans aren't necessarily God plans. I may never make it back to Africa. I may never see a school built there. But, I have to come to an understanding and resolution that I will choose to follow the Lord who is good and righteous and my portion, either way. And in the meantime, I will cry out the love for the children of that continent, with which I have been miraculously gifted. And possibly in doing so, someone more able to serve them will hear me and be able to do more than I could ever wish for. So then again, I wouldn't actually be in the middle time of my ministry, but in the throws of it...making impact for Christ in little and big ways that can change the lives of children.

Who really knows how any of it works, ya know?!

I think that is absolutely spectacular Mel. I loved reading that

See, I just read back through it and am getting frustrated with myself! Hah!

I get to a point sometimes where I get sick of myself always trying to figure things out. And God says his ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts--so I don't even think it is possible to figure ANY of it out! I just hate when I get in these cycles of "well, that was wrong, so it must be this..." Always trying to come to judgments to make myself feel better. I am even doing it now with this new perspective/insight. I just keep thinking of the Elder Brother as described by Tim Keller.

I just want to be blessed by the presence of grace and mercy in my life. I want peace that comes from knowing that figuring this whole damn thing isn't up to me. That would be nice.

I just found out that my grandfather fell about an hour ago and passed away. They don't know if it was a heart attack or what at this point.

I am putting this in the praise report section because although this comes as a huge shock to all of us, my grandpa is home. And he had a wonderful life. He was 81 and still working and enjoying himself. He wasn't sick or battling cancer or anything hard like that.

It is just really shocking to all of us around him. That's going to be the hard part in need of prayer. My grandma is in the hospital recovering from a knee replacement and hasn't been told as of yet. I believe it is going to be rough on the family. My dad is the one who called me and he didn't sound good at all.

Wow. Mel I'm sorry about your Grandpa but happy that he's home and that he didn't suffer.

Mel, how are things going with your dad? He moved back to help your Uncle right?

My dad didn't move here, although he was initially thinking of it. He seemed overwhelmed this morning when I talked to him.

I know it is good that he is home, but at the same tome I am sorry, because it is hard to be left here....and I am really sorry for your grandma, do they live near you?

Yeah, they live about 35 mins away. And as much as they have always loved and supported me, I haven't been good about going to see them. I kind of feel bad about that.

It is kind of starting to hit me right now. It's weird how someone who is on the periphery of your life can actually mean a whole lot. He's always been there. And, he is one of the only men to always love and accept me.

What a blessing to have had a man like that to love and support you. I'll be praying for peace for you and your family, Mel.

Mel I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is funny, I keep thinking it should get better with time but it just changes and catches you in different ways.

Here is the obituary:

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Yeah, grief is very strange. Because, at the moment, it doesn't feel like grief, but I know it is. Very odd, very odd indeed.

that is a really nice obit, Melissa. I love the ones where they really give you a small sense of the persons life. He sounded like a fun guy! He also looked very young, you should thank God for those genes!

My grandpa had some health problems (more from a lack of concern for his health--drinking, eating, etc) but for the most part had the constitution of a work horse. My grandma is basically the same. My mom's mom too. I come from very strong stock. Although, I might be a weak link with all my back pain and other issues.
I am gonna put together some words for the funeral. I will probably share them here or on FB...

Oops, realizing I didn't ever post what I came up with for the funeral...

Anyway, just coming to say my grandma was released from the hospital yesterday. She looks a lot better, although she is tired. She is supposed to do NOTHING for a week. That said, we did all meet at the funeral home yesterday so she could say goodbye to my grandpa. It went well.

I am very grateful for this funeral home, they really embraced my family. My grandpa delivered flowers there a lot and so they knew him personally. The director who prepped him said it was really hard to not put a smile on his face, which is how he usually saw him in life. I am also so impressed at how well my family came together in this moment of grief. There were a couple touch and go moments, but so much better than in the past. I am so proud to be from this group of people.

I don't know how I missed this.
Sorry for your loss, Mel. It's nice that you had your grandfather for so long.

My grandfather on my dad's side died when my dad was only 14 and my moms father died when I was 12. He was divorced from my grandmother so I saw him very seldom and didn't really know him. So I never really knew either of my grandfathers.

My wife and I are totally involved in our grandson's life and I'm so happy we're able to do that. I think grandparents and their grandchildren are a very special relationship.

I'm sure your grandmother will need a lot of support. It has to be very hard to lose someone you've been with for so long.

My mom's dad died when I was less than a year old, but aside from him, I have been very close (at different stages of my life) with the other 3. And I am very fortunate to have them in my life for so long! It is a wonderful relationship, and I hope Logan gets to know how great it is for a long time!

My grandma finally sold her condo!! A year on the market without any interest at all and a week ago, a person came through, wanted to pay cash, and wanted to close by Sept 30!!! CRAZY!!

For me, that means I start getting real rent! Which means I can start digging out of this debt I have! It might also mean a return trip to Africa in the near future. (I can't even believe I am saying it aloud...)

Amen and Praise God! He shows up on time, but rarely early, eh? My mom was just about to take out a loan to take over the condo so my grandma could be free of it.

That's great news Mel!
How are things going living with your grandma? I know they were a little rough at the beginning, have you guys adjusted and settled in?

Yeah for Mel!!! errr...or maybe your grandma......Yeah for both of you!!

Woohoo!