Re: Prayer Request

by Bethany Mon Apr 12, 2010 8:32 pm

Amy Beth Bullard. Her blog is ministrysofabulous.com

by Bethany Mon Apr 19, 2010 1:32 pm

I'm considering pulling out of the Mexico Mission trip that I signed up for.
I have $200 that I won't be able to get back and the plane ticket has already been bought.
But I can switch the ticket and use it to go somewhere else.

There is just a lot of yucky drama going on with the leader of the trip and the leader of our church. I don't want to be a part of it. But I don't want to not go just because I'm avoiding the drama because I really enjoy serving in Mexico.
So if you could pray that I make the right decision. I'm hoping to plan on making the decision by May1st.

by **meether369** Mon Apr 19, 2010 3:47 pm

That's hard, Bethany. Have you voiced these concerns to the two of them? I wonder if they realize how much it is affecting the rest of the team.

As a complete outsider, can I say that it seems to be the work of the enemy trying to tear the team apart? Not a good scenario, but at the same time, it means the work that needs to be done there must be great!

by Bethany Mon Apr 19, 2010 4:01 pm

Well, I have talked to the leader of the trip and told her to stop talking to me about it...which she has.
I haven't really talked to Ben about it because he isn't exactly involving me. But because of my unique relationship with the staff through Washington Project and another aspect (which is dramatic and icky in its own right) I'm hearing about/feeling the icky drama.

I 100% believe that while Ben isn't perfect or even 100% right all the time that he is doing what is best in the interest of our church. So it isn't so much that I feel the need to distance myself from the church, just from the leader of the group. She (and her husband to a degree) are being pretty divisive within our church body and I'm fairly certain they will be finding another church soon. So I (even though I feel immensly guilty because of it) pretty much want to seperate myself from her because she's just so bull in a china shop about every damn thing

by **meether369** Mon Apr 19, 2010 5:07 pm

My advice would be, in addition to seeking God about the decision, to speak to Ben about it before making your decision. He might have some great wisdom about the whole situation.

On one hand, I think it is honorable to keep commitments, and your attitude and resolve to do something inspite of the drama might carry the team. But, on the other, if these people are leaving the church, why are they leading a trip? That doesn't set well with me.

by Bethany Mon Apr 19, 2010 9:47 pm

Whelp, I had a panic attack at the gym tonight.
Ugh.

Mel, to answer your question..I'm planning on talking to Ben on Sunday. I'm going to basically just ask him if he has a few minutes and say something along the lines of, "Well I know about xyz that's been happening and I just wanted you to know that A) I'm not participating in the drama B) I am still behind you (Ben) 110% and wild horses couldn't drag me from this church right now and C) here's what I'm thinking about Mexico...what do you think about that?

Then if it's a conversation that has to last longer we can set something up but I'm thinking it will be a 15 minutes thing.

I also talked to my friend Claire tonight after my panic attack and she hit the nail on the head when she said that probably my anxiety and fear was about the drama yes..but it's also probably something deeper that God's trying to pull out of me (show me etc.) through this process. Which honestly the biggest (albeit irrational fear) I've had through this is that people in church will kick me out. They'll say they're done with me and that I'm not welcome there anymore or as their friend.
Which is ridiculous.
But I have such fear around abandonment and rejection that it's really getting agitated through this whole thing and I'm trying to remember that it will be ok.

I just wrote this to post to my blog in a few days and I'm exhausted so I"m just copying it here to save some time. But I had a revelation on the way home from a meeting tonight about that which was pretty awesome.

To say that I had a rough day would be pretty accurate. There are things happening that I'm not at liberty to discuss that while stressful don't really warrant the reaction I had.
As my lovely friend Claire said, "It's probably something deeper that God is trying to work out of you." She's probably right...she is most of the time.
I had a mild panic attack for the first time in over 7 years. I was exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically thanks to FT and his doggone Jane Fonda moves. So I got sick at the gym and then couldn't calm down. I was a mess.
I called Claire for the 2nd time to have her help talk me off a ledge. The most effective thing for getting me through panic attacks back when I had them every day or more often was to find someone rational and just talk to them. So I could focus on a non-dramatic conversation and help stabilize my breathing...and when my breathing stabilized so would my heart rate.

As I was talking things out with her I realized that I'm scared. The things that are happening that I'm not at liberty to discuss scare me. They have nothing really to do with me, I'm just sort of in the fray because of some relationships I have. But I'm scared.
I'm scared that some people I love so deeply will look at me and say, "Just kidding. We changed our minds and we don't love you anymore."
Yes yes, rationally I know that won't happen. But my baggage is telling me it will. My baggage is telling me that I can only fool people for a little while and then it will all fall apart.
The enemy is slithering around my head again hissing:
It's over. It's to late. They've discovered you're unlovable. They know that you don't have it together and that you're not nearly everything they thought you should be. They're bored with you, they're done with you. You've served your purpose and now it's done.

Which again, won't happen. But it's overwhelming me to be so scared of it again.
I had a meeting I had to go to so I made it through the meeting and started home. I was listening to my iPod and decided to put on my Jesus music play list. I skipped around (because I love every song on my iPod except when it's on shuffle then I only like every 5th song) and landed on John Mark McMillan's How He Loves song.
I love this song, it's a great song and can bring me to tears on my happiest day. So I'm listening to it and driving home when it hits the chorus.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

I felt a whisper of the spirit (sorry that sounds weird but hopefully you know what I mean) rise up and I was reminded that God's not kidding around.
He's never going to walk into the kitchen one random Saturday evening and say, "Just kidding, I don't really want to be with you. I don't really love you." He's never going to say sorry, you've broken one to many times, you're to damaged, to ugly, to sinful, to far gone. He's never leaving.
I hold my breath around a lot of people. Not everyday really, but there is almost always an undercurrent of fear that people are going to decide one day to just not love me anymore, or worse they're going to say they never really did, they just didn't want me to be upset so they lied about it. Sometimes I hold my breath around God, thinking that one of these days he'll realize he saved the wrong girl. (It's clearly not only irrational but also biblically inaccurate which I know...this isn't a conscious thing people!)

I know it's not them. I know it's me, still broken. I hate it. I hate that it still affects my relationships I hate that it still is my first assumption when things are stressful and awkward. I hate that I can't hear the words people actually say and that I hear the nasty hateful words from years and years and sometimes years ago instead of the words of loving affirmation, encouragement and even gentle correction.
But the thing I'm clinging to tonight is that even if it becomes true. Even if what I'm so scared of happens (which I know won't happen) then it will be ok. Because God doesn't kid around. He doesn't say "Just kidding I never really loved you." He loves me. Oh, how He loves me, and He's not leaving.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

by **meether369** Mon Apr 19, 2010 10:32 pm

beautiful, and oh so true. Wink

by TheGreat&TerribleBob Tue Apr 20, 2010 2:43 pm

That's awesome, TB.

I had a couple of runs with panic attacks. I used to go over to the church where I worked and walk around the perimeter of the sanctaury, singing at the top of my longs - all the songs I could think of that speak of our relationship with God/Jesus. After a while - all the craziness and uncontrollable thoughts would leave and I copuld go back to bed. My attacks always came in the middle of the night.

Just a word on your situation and your concerns that if 'whatever' happens your friends won't like you anymore. If that happens - they were never truly your friends to begin with. It'll still hurt, but it's THEIR problem - not yours.

by Bethany Fri Apr 23, 2010 10:44 am

I'm leaning more and more towards bowing out of the Mexico trip.
I just got an email from the leader that the rest of the fundraisers will be going towards out outreaches when we're there instead of to our trip costs.
This means I have to find another almost $800 ($400 actually to the trip and $400 to pay my dad back for floating me the part of the cost of the plane ticket)
At this point I'm more than broke and still have a $1000 + property tax bill looming over my head by the middle of June.
So even despite the drama i can't even imagine how I'm going to do all this on my own.
I could always borrow the money, but shit...I don't really want to be in debt either to a corporation or to a person.
UGH.
Could you pray for clarity? I'm talking to Ben Sunday and then I'll make my decision.

by TheGreat&TerribleBob Fri Apr 23, 2010 10:56 am

TB - It seems to me that you already have clarity - you're just trying to find a way to ignore it - perhaps hoping it will change.

The answer is obvious, both practically and spiritually.

You have your answer. Don't go!

by Bethany Fri Apr 23, 2010 11:22 am

Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of bobbo. Thanks for saying it.
Part of the problem is it will seemingly disappoint a lot of people and I hate doing that. But I'm also trying to realize that people will understand and if not then that's an issue between them and God and not me and God.
Ugh.

by TheGreat&TerribleBob Fri Apr 23, 2010 11:43 am

You're right, TB.

You aren't put on earth to please everyone else. You have to do what is OBVIOUSLY the right thing. If they have a problem with it - so be it. That's THEIR problem - not yours.

by TheGreat&TerribleBob Fri Apr 23, 2010 11:45 am

BTW - It's very hard to do the right thing when it's NOT what you really want to do - when the other decision is what you really want. It sucks, but it's what you should do.

I feel for you , TB. I know you really wanted to do this.

by Bethany Fri Apr 23, 2010 12:00 pm

Thanks bobbo, that helps a lot

by Katykc Tue Apr 27, 2010 5:42 pm

So, my brother had a court hearing yesterday to figure out the financial stuff for the divorce and it really didn't go well. She has all her lies lined up in a pretty little row and has the judge in the palm of her hand. Anyway, he's thinking he's going to have to go ahead the pay the extra 10 grand for a trial with the divorce judge (the financial judge was someone else). I guess I don't really know what I'm asking for prayer for... maybe judge a fair outcome.

by Bethany Wed Apr 28, 2010 7:44 am

That's so hard Katy sad hug

I'll be praying for wisdom from the judge and for your brother in deciding if he should go to the divorce judge or stay put.

by TheGreat&TerribleBob Wed Apr 28, 2010 10:07 am

Divorce is so demeaning - so nasty. sad..

by Bethany Thu May 06, 2010 8:04 am

If you can pray for Sharen and her family. Apparently my nieces are stirring up trouble and trying to pit their dad against my sister and Sharen and Jeff had a knock down drag out fight last night. She tried calling me because she wanted to come stay at my house.
She is talking about completely detaching herself from the girls and "treating them like a real wicked step mother would" and I tried to talk her out of it. So I don't know what's going to happy only that every single person in that family is so hurt and afraid and taking it out on each other instead of pulling together :sigh:

by TheGreat&TerribleBob Thu May 06, 2010 9:30 am

Gotcha covered, sis!

by **Pete** Thu May 06, 2010 9:34 am

That's gotta be hard to watch. Prayers are on their way.

by Katykc Mon May 10, 2010 12:09 pm

Bethany wrote:If you can pray for Sharen and her family. Apparently my nieces are stirring up trouble and trying to pit their dad against my sister and Sharen and Jeff had a knock down drag out fight last night. She tried calling me because she wanted to come stay at my house.
She is talking about completely detaching herself from the girls and "treating them like a real wicked step mother would" and I tried to talk her out of it. So I don't know what's going to happy only that every single person in that family is so hurt and afraid and taking it out on each other instead of pulling together :sigh:

is there any kind of resolution on the forefront? i know it's only been a few days.

by Bethany Mon May 10, 2010 1:02 pm

Oh I don't know. They talked with dad for awhile on Saturday I guess. Sharen said things are fine, which probably means they're not they've just called a tentative truce.
The girls didn't come over last Thursday because they "just couldn't handle Sharen" which is what they told their dad. But they're also telling Sharen that they believe Jeff chose to go to school instead of spend time with them so I just don't know.
We'll see how it goes this weekend if/when the girls come visit.

by **meether369** Mon May 10, 2010 3:46 pm

Does some of this seem to be coming from their mother?

by Bethany Mon May 10, 2010 4:09 pm

Mostly it's probably coming from Jeff's mom (step mom really). She stirs up a lot of drama in hopes of manipulating people to need her and need her to "take charge"
There's no confirmation but it's the most likely answer based on past behaviour. Both Sharen and Jeff know this but still feed right into it. Also, Sharen has little control over how Jeff reacts and it doesn't nothing to help the situation when Jeff just decides that Sharen's being "crazy" and "paranoid" and therefore whatever points she makes are invalid.

by **meether369** Mon May 10, 2010 4:55 pm

Have they looked into counseling?

In other news, please pray for me. I had a very, very frustrating and discouraging day today. So much so that, while at work, I began looking for other jobs posted in my area and almost lost it in the classroom. A student got angry, was throwing things, attacking himself and me. I am not being supported by my boss and now kids are in danger. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and kids are taking the blows for it. Not acceptable. Additionally, I strained my back again in dealing with this student by myself. I am overwhelmed and angry and in pain. Not a good mixture.

by Sponsored content